Have you ever thought to share your pain and setbacks during the moment you’re in them? My amazing Soror, Miss. Tish, shares her powerful battle with being both homicidal and suicidal. She beautifully illustrates how the all saving grace and love of Jesus brought her into victory over this difficult time in her life. Her ability to trust the Lord, remain humble, and grateful through it all is contagious and inspiring. I pray her transparency blesses you just as it blessed me. Enjoy!
Telling Your Truth in “Real Time”
Let me start this off by saying I am a very, very, very, very private person. Like ‘mind my business get your head cut off’ private person. Experiencing so many traumas and pain caused me to be this way but I always knew I would share my story with the world to help others one day. When I was 11 years old, I told myself I would publish it all in a book when I turned 35 years old. Why 35? I don’t know but I am a person who likes to plan and have goals so maybe that’s why.
Fast forward to December 2013, my senior year in college. I was away at a science conference in New Orleans when I found out this guy I knew who had attended the same university as I sadly committed suicide. This was a guy who I had met numerous times. A guy who had been in my home. A guy who had participated in my sorority events and later joined a fraternity. The same guy who I had just saw a few months ago. At first it was hard for me to believe when I heard the news. I was like, “Nope! Uh uh. He was murdered and someone set it up to look like he committed suicide. He did NOT take his own life.” Although he and I didn’t have a “best friend” closeness, this was extremely hard for me to process, accept and believe. This young man had graduated from college, had a job, and was engaged to be married. I was in denial. For the next couple of months, I cried whenever I thought about him.
For those of you who don’t know, the area of suicide is near and dear to my heart. For 3 years, ages 9-12, I battled with being suicidal/homicidal (a story for another time). Thankfully, at the age of 12, I was delivered. Because I know what it is like to be in that mind-state and the overwhelming feelings that you live in while in that emotional and mental state, I am forever grateful that I overcame and survived that time in my life. Which I couldn’t have done without God because it wasn’t me, it was all HIM. But because I’ve been there, it also hurts my heart to hear when others don’t make it out and succumbed to their feelings and thoughts while in that state. It does not matter if I knew them personally or not, I mourn each and every time I hear about someone (especially the youth) who completed suicide and/or homicide because I know it’s not what they truly wanted. But it was the only option they felt they had.
This brought me back to when I was living in that time of my life and I remembered how no one around me (friends/family/strangers) knew I was suicidal/homicidal. They didn’t know that I had attempted to take my own life multiple times. Because I wasn’t in an environment where I could be vulnerable, I had become incredibility skilled at hiding and guarding my emotions by the age of 9. Recalling this fact about myself helped me to accept why the young man attempted suicide and why he was successful. This moment was a turning point for me.
At that exact moment, I realized that everyone didn’t have until I was 35 years old and felt ready to share my life stories. All some people have is NOW. Realizing this I cried a lot and made a commitment to myself that I would start sharing my testimonies. The things I’ve gone through in my past and even currently weren’t and aren’t just about me. I go through things so that I can know God for myself but most importantly, so I can share my testimonies and tell others about God’s Glory and shine light on His presence in my life.
I remembered my first time sharing myself with others outside of friends was the day of my college graduation. Shortly after the graduation ceremony, I posted a picture of myself in my cap and gown on Facebook and Instagram with this as the caption:
“To see and participate in today’s activity is truly a blessing. 11 years ago, God delivered me from a suicidal mindset. But before deliverance, for almost 3 years I battled with wanting to kill myself in order to rid myself of the pain caused by those who were hurting me to having thoughts of murdering those same people 1.5 yrs later. Constantly fighting to survive the emotional turmoil that was leading me into depression. Countless times I stood with a knife to my wrist and throat or with a bottle of pills. I didn’t really want to die, but I didn’t really see a way out of the revolving pain. I learned to mask my emotions from those people and even from my mother because it was my way of protecting her as she had been protecting me. Although I hid these thoughts and feelings from her she constantly prayed for me and at the age of 12 years old, I was finally delivered. God had to make me okay with the fact that some people’s love I will never have. Even if all I had to truly depend on was Him and my mother then that was all I would ever need. Looking at me, you would never know this about me because I’m a private person and when God begun healing my wounds on the inside, He also begun healing them on the outside.
I speak with authority now because I took authority over my life then. I am strong now because I had to be strong then. My love for the youth came from my struggles as a child, but because of what I have overcome in my past, I know that there isn’t anything that I can’t overcome currently or in my future.
Today, at the age of 22 years old, I graduated from college with my Bachelor of Science Degree in Biology. A day I couldn’t even envision happening in my future when I was younger. But I MADE IT!
My message to those out there who are struggling with suicidal thoughts is to HOLD ON to God and FIGHT. You may not see your way out of it now or don’t think there is a way but as long as you keep moving, God will cover you and pave the way. I am a LIVING testimony that you CAN beat this!!”
I cried long and hard after sharing myself on 2 very public platforms. I felt significantly vulnerable and exposed. People will never know what it cost me but I don’t regret my decision at all. While I am still a private individual and probably won’t ever be an “open with everyone” type of person, I am enjoying operating in this new realm where my purpose and destiny is meeting. There is something liberating about opening up when God places it on your heart to do so. Despite what my current situations look like, I am EXCITED about what God is doing in my life because I know He is working things out for my good through my obedience and I pray you give Him the opportunity to do the same for you.
There is someone who needs to hear your story not later, but right now while you are currently going through it. You are their hope and the light they have been praying for. Allow God to use you as His instrument and watch Him not only bless those you share your story with, but bless you as well. It may be hard but I promise it’s worth it. Be gentle and patient with yourself and remember His plan is to prosper you and not harm you but to also give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).
– R.I.P. Dominique. Your life was not in vain.-
– Telling my truth in real time so that I can be a light for you –
Miss. Tish is a resilient and vibrant woman with ambitious faith who is living boldly and comfortably in her skin. She enjoys the small details and living in each moment. Miss. Tish is also a Mental Health Advocate with a fervent passion to serve and help people, especially the youth, professionally and personally through medicine and every day interactions. Her goal is to teach others to be and love who they are in every stage of their life through self-growth, awareness, love and empowerment. Connect with her on Instagram!