As I sit here and look through the site, I can’t help but whisper to God, “I am not that girl anymore”. Reading through the different posts and looking at the site as a whole just makes me feel out of place. I don’t recognize the voice that is speaking through the screen. Why? I am the same person that wrote those posts so what is so different from then to now? Why do I feel out of place in a space that I created for women to feel comfortable?
The honest answer to that question is I don’t know. I honestly do not know why I have this feeling of being out of place. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been in this place for awhile. I haven’t written like this or in a space like this for almost a year and a half. It seems understandable that I would have these feelings. I think the issue is that I had in my mind an expectation. I had an idea of how I thought things would go when I finally logged back into the site. I won’t lie, in my mind I saw myself logging back in and all of a sudden this wave of fresh ideas, thoughts, series, and plans would crash over me. I would just jump back into my element and it would be as if I never stopped writing in the first place. Expectations can be dangerous.
It doesn’t have to just be related to this blog, but in life. How often do we avoid a situation that we know God is calling us to because we have an expectation or an idea in our minds of how we think things should go, but we are so afraid that it won’t turn out that way that we just avoid it all together? I just did that the other day. I am currently sick with strep throat, yuck. I didn’t know I had strep throat until yesterday afternoon because I refused to go to the doctor on Friday. I didn’t really want to go to the doctor on Saturday either, but I was trying to honor my husband and take his suggestion. The truth is I didn’t want to go because I just knew that I had gotten out of my comfortable bed and was about to walk into a disgusting doctor’s office and was going to wait an hour, just for the doctor to tell me that I had a cold and just needed to let it run its course. I was obviously wrong, even though I did have to wait an hour. To think I was about to let the fear of an expectation stop me from getting better and getting the proper medication that I needed so I wouldn’t infect my husband and my son. If we think about it, we do that in our lives a lot more than we realize or care to admit.
Now that I can put a finger on why I feel the way that I do, the question becomes how can I deal with it? What do I do moving forward? First things first, do it. Whatever that thing is. So for me, I need to write. Even when I “feel” like I have nothing to say or to write about. When I feel God nudging at my spirit to get to my computer or jot down something on my phone or in my notebook, I just need to get to that place and do it. I need to do it because that is the biggest hurdle of the entire race. Starting is always the hardest part. Once I got the first word down, that word turned into a sentence, and that sentence is now a full blog post. A blog post from a woman who had nothing to write when she opened her laptop. I read today in Acts 1 about the ascension of Jesus into heaven. In verse 4 the bible says, “On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about.” Verse 5 reads, “For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.”
Jesus did not want the disciples to leave the place they were in and move forward with his instructions of being his witnesses and spreading the gospel to all the nations until they had been baptized with the Holy Spirit. That tells me that Jesus wasn’t expecting the disciples to go out and do what He was calling them to do without his help, His Spirit, and I believe the same thing still rings true for us today. God is not expecting you to do anything without his Spirit. He would not call you to something that didn’t require His Spirit. If God is calling you to something, know that He is going to fulfill his portion of the promise. Isaiah 55:11 says, “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” Nothing God speaks in your life will be an empty promise, instruction, or plan. Listen to His voice and get to the position He is calling you to and TRUST that He will fulfill the promise that He has given you.
I didn’t have that crazy wave of revelation when I opened up my site today for the first time in a long time, but I did experience what God told me would be in this place. I didn’t have an idea or a word to write, but just by getting in position and alignment with God and His word for me, He showed up and fulfilled what He had planned all along. He just needed my willingness and obedience. Don’t allow your expectations, or fear of unmet expectations, to over shadow your trust for the Father. Even if you don’t know how it is going to look or turn out, just show up and believe that God has a plan and HE is going to fulfill it. And after the first time, keep showing up. Don’t stop. Keep pushing through and watch God do more than we could ever imagine every single time.
xoxo, Ivory B.
*Header image credit: cristinacolli.com